i'd like to go home now.

i like elephants.
always have. though when i was a littler boy i used to pretend that i liked lions more...so i'd have something to rival my sister's cheetah...but she could always run faster than i could...and nothing could ever hurt her...and she had a threshhold of pain that nobody else had...until i borrowed it. i borrowed everything.
a few months ago we had a race in the front lawn...my shalwar nearly came off but i finally beat her...many times...considering the fact that she's a mother...she's still a freakin' cheetah. in my defense...i wasn't wearing approriate foot wear. she was younger than i am when she got married and it's always fun to watch her play with her son.
my family refused to grow up...most of it anyway. there is one guy who wants to be a cowboy...clint eastwood actually. he walks around with eyes only half open, speaking in a crude whisper...which only barely resembles clint's...he's got a wife and a kid...spends his day playing video games...sometimes walks around in overcoats and pretends he's in the old west...he smokes a cigar when he's wearing the overcoat but he's not the only pathan cowboy...there's pictures of a mamoo wearing a cowboy hat, riding a horse, holding a double barrel shotgun...eventually he decided he looked more like tom selleck...and altered his lifestyle. my mother had a shameless crush on his brother when she was older than she is now...believe me when i say this...it was a very valid crush...i saw a black and white picture of him without his shirt on...hahahahaha.
we have schizophroenics...obsessive compulsives, retards, murderers and junkies. religious fanatics, nice people, sad people, happy people...and jealous people.
but not right now...i feel like shit abhi...i'll send them to you when i don't feel like an old orange. i'll send them eventually if i don't fall down into the sky.
sometimes there's a strange calm. extreme sadness that leaves you smiling but never leaves you. it's there because you're too far away from God but not far enough...stuck in the middle...that's how the silence broke.
wish there was something nicer to follow. of course there is. but sometimes you just want an ear to whisper in. although, personally i don't have the strength to carry anyone. wish i did. i once felt a jealous touch and enjoyed it...i've run away from nicer windows than these...i've run away from eyes that bleed to be free. i know one pair that altered my lifestyle. haha.
woke up today and everything turned liquid yellow...blinking just made it worse. it was so nice in a way...not for a second did i feel like i had lost my mind. this was natural...this is how it should be...everything is this watery yellow because everything is always a watery yellow...my head felt heavy...it was either sleep paralysis or a dream had followed me home. i wouldn't mind another jealous touch every now and then. i have everything i want...and i will not trade.
i hate the fact that i'm kind of bi-polar and can feel my mood change...in the middle of a conversation i get impatient, angry, bored, annoyed...and then i think about how everything was fine two minutes ago. it's just unfair to still be able to control yourself sometimes...sooner or later i'll get tired of this and stop caring about how i'm not supposed to go crazy on someone just because i have a loose nut inside my head. i've always liked elephants...elephants make sense to me...everything they do makes sense to me...i grew up watching wildlife documentaries and walt disney cartoons. mixed with a bit of haseena moin and anwar maqsood. seinfeld is ok but we were great in the old days. i have ancient parents...so i know a bit about nothing that matters in the grander scheme of things...
the boy who sat one row across to my right during the exams looked exactly like tom cruise...just a bit browner. i swear he looked exactly like tom cruise...i'm sure he didn't know that...that's one of the best things about being in a crap hole school...nobody knows they look like tom cruise because they have probably never heard of him.
i don't know anybody who has never tried to catch fog. i wonder why everybody wants to catch fog...i wonder why everybody gives up eventually. it's boring to constantly want something you can't get. i don't have the strength to carry anyone...but i wish i did.

the other day i was in this place, the passport renewal office thing...and this man asks me where i'm from...

lahore...

matlab kahaan se ho? (and then he named some ancient place, so i got what he was saying.)

jallundher se.

hmmm...haan mujhe lug rahha thha...tumhara khoon yahaan nahin milta.

hmmm.

ye tumhara passport hai?

ji

british passport bhi ho ga aik?

nahin...

ho ga...zaroor ho ga...main jaanta hoon tumharay jaison ke paas hota hai.

i just laughed...didn't know what else to do. like i was telling molly the other day...i never get the same treatment as regular people...he kind of thought it was obnoxious of me to think so until the strangers standing next to us started laughing and talking about me. so we stood there at the bus stop smiling and waiting for the same bus they were waiting for...only we didn't.
planet earth was never the best option for me...i miss home.
my mother is standing next to me meowing in my ear. it's good to be stuck with lunatics.