cunt majajan

sometimes you get addicted. the doctor told me that i should get extra sleep with zoloft around because otherwise it just makes the whole process worse. what's even stupider is that i decided that it was time to increase my dosage...i hate it when she goes into my room and messes around in my stuff...how many times do i have to make it plain that i don't lik it when they change the angle of my nest...why doesn't she take everything out of my room and just sits on it or something...hateful...so anyhoo...since i haven't slept in a long time and now i've increased my pill dosage...i could see bugs flying around in my room...marble floor changing shape and rodents burrowing in it...i mean i didn't see the actual rodent...but i'm sure only a rodent would've made a burrow like that...then there's boxes of milkpak...which reminds me...i was lying on my nest and pana was nearly passed out there too...and i turned and said to him, "maeray paas doodh ke dubbay hain." we found that really funny...i was just in my room...and i kept hearing old indian songs...i mean...there were children playing somewhere beneath and the way they were talking...it sounded to me like a woman was singing, "inhi logon nay...inhi logon nayyyy...inhi logon nay lay liyya dupatta maera..." etc if you don't know how this song goes...then i'm really sorry but you've had a very lame angrezi se bhurpoor childhood.
anyhoo i was just having a row with my parents...my mother keeps nagging me about the shabby coat and how she wants it sewed up...meanwhile...i am feeling particularly paranoid...and am shouting...she knows that i'm not right in the head...and yet she refuses...to LET ME BE. so then mister dad decides to intervene.
"tum shout kyun ker rahhay ho?"
"aap ko batanay ka koi faida hai?? koi to masla hai na maera..."
"to phir insaanon mein na baitho..."

see that's why i like my father...complete lack of understanding...if you've got noise in your head...go deal with it somewhere else...of course...if it had been anybody other than my father...they would've been dead...and a cruel death it would've been too...i don't control my temper when i'm paranoid and hallucinating...which reminds me...no it doesn't remind me...the woman is talking on the phone now...i can't take this anymore...pana'll give me company...
just took a xanax to get this thing down...it's prolly because of the hectic type tense sa day i spent in trg...i hate interviews and stuff...the smell of new places gets to me...so anyhoo...it's not not not not not...aaah...AAH lights just got brighter...hopeful sign that is...hopeful indeed...but then again this thing comes in waves...so they'll prolly dim down all over again...
ok this is how you feel my friend...you will not remember any of this...you can't remember anything about today...i mean you can remember it but it seems like a vague memory...normally it becomes a moment to moment thing...so you can feel like you're living in the moment blah blooh...but this is not like that...this is not moments...this is slippery oil slick and you're otter man. main nahin afford ker sakta main nahin afford ker sakta...this old man has spent his life being a bitch about money...i was watching this smoke like fire beneath my study table...he table that i'm supposed to study on i mean...nothing spectacular...just smokey flames licking the air...
write it down...so you remember...have to go open the door and stuff...this'll have to waittttt for motjher nature...i hte the fact that she's a mother...i hope she's hot otherwise i'm not hitting on her...i'm sick of your bullshit.