Edward the Wise

The lonely man walked down a deserted toll road pushing a moderately sized cart laden with corpses of all sorts…men, women, children, some seemingly belonging to once noble households…some vagabonds…some destitute…
He was pushing with his scabbed, bleeding hands humming a bit of a song,
“I loved the rain and knew the dark
a graveyard that was once a Park…” it did not cheer him up. Humming was just a habit that he could not get rid off.
The wooden tires squeaked and rolled on the gravel road which had once been a busy thoroughfare…now just a convenient passage that led away from the plagued and terrible Harvest Park/Graveyard. Nearly eight thousand people in the town had died of the disease…that was a good part of the town’s population…and only a handful of people had survived…this gentleman pushing the cart had been staying in a mental institution at the time the plague spread and had been lucky enough to escape…relatively unharmed…not much fun though if you find yourself with naught to do save bury the rest. There was no space to dump people in the town itself anymore…every few steps was a mass grave…yet he felt that everyone deserves a decent burial.
The sun beat heavy upon his back, sweat mixed with blood, drenched his tattered clothes and he felt a bit ill at ease about the fact that those who would have considered him a pitiable creature were not much worse than he was now. He had seen himself thus in a dream long ago…a nightmare that he had shared with a few men who had conveniently forgot the importance of it being shared. Now they were all dead and he was pushing more and more of them out of town for a last joyride before tipping them over somewhere for the carrion creatures to feed upon…too many for a decent burial…but at least they would be far away from town to stare at him with accusing faces.
The plague caused a painfully short lived madness that ended with either suicide or death otherwise. A bout of paralysis and blindness and in some cases severe irritable bowel syndrome…needless to say that even if there hadn’t been so many decaying people in town…it would have still smelt quite bad. The last days of the town were marked with people running about screaming, pulling out their puss filled eyes and crapping their pants like there was no tomorrow…because there was not. How cool is that?
Signs of suffering marred the landscape for miles on end. There were gallows poles every few yards where people had either hanged themselves or had been hanged…(a more civilized form of appeasing the gods with a bit of sacrifice…civilized in the sense that dancing around fires in clothes made of leaves and chanting odd bits of nonsense was not mandatory. A quiet, “hang the bastard before he infects us!” served just fine.)
The person pushed on past the hanging bodies and moved further down the road until he heard something he had not heard in quite a while…a human voice called out to him. Turning around he saw that one of the dead persons (a very old one) hanging around at the end of a rope was talking to him.
“hey…sir…could you help me off of this…I’ve been hanging for seven days…nearly all my blood is in my feet and I seem to have an erection here that I can’t explain…I assure you I don’t feel very horny…”

“Why aren’t you dead yet?” asked the gentleman after considering the gallows man a while…he was surprised to hear him (of all people) to be talking…for this hanging person had all the signs that a person who has ceased to live seven days ago has.

“yes I see why you’re surprised and all…some pebbles lead to the winters fall…though I assume you must’ve seen stranger sights than this…I am indeed dead…but you can talk to the dead…so be a dear and help me off…my neck is sore and there are things eating my vitals.”

“what’s that about pebbled roads and winter’s fall?...I have heard that before…what, may I ask, is your name sir…pardon me for freaking out but I don’t generally converse with the dead…hence the mistrust.”

“my name is…or was Henry Goodtard…you can call me chicken soup if you feel like it just get me off of this goddamned swing…the sun is hot and though it may be bright and mightier still…I had not known that I’d be sharing your fate in this strange nightmare…indeed I was not aware that I would end up with a noose around my neck…”

Knowing not what else to do, plus a bit of company was much welcome nowadays…the gentleman helped Mister Goodtard down and together they walked and talked a while…the gentleman asked Mister Goodtard a good deal of questions regarding his current disposition…none of which he answered to his satisfaction…for he himself had only the vaguest notion of why he was still…alive…if that’s the word to describe his state of being.

“I suppose I was restless as a dead…err…soul…thing. These lucky bastards that you’re carrying off to dump around,” spoke Mister Goodtard gesturing towards the dead on the cart, “are all fornicating beyond those shadows there on the side of the mountains where there’s a bit of privacy…and were we eagles or birds of some sort we could actually spot their souls doing a lot of nasty stuff right about now…but I think I had some…unfinished business…corny as that may seem…I used to have these silver coins with lines of gold and a bold pattern of a hawk engraved upon them…I’d like very much to go home and chew on them as my wife used to suggest when we were alive.”

“Hah…is that all you came back for?” asked the gentleman.

“no actually there was more…but transitions from one plain of existence to another tends to leave you a bit hazy…I can barely remember the other side…and then I could not remember this side…there are too many burdens to bear with each…over there…there’s too much knowledge…over here there’s too much information…a balance should be struck…if the balance has generally been a naughty boy. I do remember that I was supposed to give you warning…and a bit of this and that about things you’re supposed to accomplish…about two Nazis you will fail in the attempt to stop…from killing a thousand more than what you see here…the pale boy you will restore to his rightful kingdom in another world…the two sailors you will help obtain a book…and a treasure if the book isn’t the reassure to begin with…so on and so forth. Mostly though you will spend the rest of your life trying to destroy your one true enemy…the one who is responsible for this…current mess of things…”

“hmmm…seems like a load of crap but one can’t really say that a dead man would lie about things of this nature…surely there’s no reward in it for you…therefore…if you would be kind enough as to tell me who this enemy of mine is?” asked the gentleman. “I would be much obliged.”

“I actually do have a bit of reward to think of…to be honest. I was promised a pms free and perpetually horny wife in heaven…and rare are fortunes as nice as that…you are unmarried and will stay so during your very very long stay here…so you won’t understand.” Spoke Mister Goodtard “as for your enemy…I must apologize for I do not know who or what he is…what I DO know is this…he had a servant in this matter…a man by the name of Doctor Fall…you must interview him and find out what you must…though I do not quite understand why you wouldn’t just leave the matter be…you are still alive…therefore mostly unhurt…go live your life in peace and let bygones be bygones…”

“hmmm…there is a good reason why I have been forced to stay unmarried during my very very long stay here…”

“aah…well…good luck to you then sir…I hope you find the villain who dealt you that sad card…I expect to see you again…in bodies other than this one…due to the wear and tear problem…I hope what little we have discussed has given you some direction…I must be off now…I at least am not robbed of my partner...one more thing…to enforce your authority…introduce yourself and add the fact that you are a servant of God…it seems generally impressive and freezes the nuts off these lower sort of bastards…so again…good luck to you.” With this Mister Goodtard died all over again but did not make much show of it. The gentleman did not at first know what to do with the body…then decided to add it to the group on the cart and pushed on.


Doctor Fall sat in his crumbling office…seated behind his moldy desk gazing intently upon his visitor…it had been quite a while since anybody had been alive enough to wander into his office. The Doctor stared at the gentleman as though he thought he had seen him before…but the gentleman did not waste time on introductions and got quickly to the point…told him that he knew that all this mess of crap was his fault and that he knew it was so…

“So why don’t you just save us both some time…and tell me how you accomplished this bit of insanity…who is your master and so on and so forth.”

“I have nothing really to tell you…because you are obviously mad…now get lost before I get a fit of flatulence…I warn you sir…I had beans for lunch!”

“I could beat the crap out of you old man…” threatened the gentleman.

“is this about penis envy??? Are you trying to hurt me deliberately because I am well endowed???”

“what the hell are you talking about?? Look around you, you idiot, everyone is dead…there is nobody left alive to bone…now for the love of the seven dwarves just tell me what I ask of you!!”

“I told you…I know nothing…this was a plague…a natural disaster…suck my ass!”

“you are a natural disaster…your mother is a rest house for wandering wastrels…what the hell…are we going to sit here abusing one another??”

“I know a few good retorts to that mother comment…so I think it would be best if you leave now…I’m tired of madmen like you wasting my time…I may not have patients…but I also don’t have patience…now run away you donkey.”

Edward paused…the man was obviously an obstinate fool…then remembering that bit of advice Mister Goodtard had given him…he spoke again…calmly.

“perhaps sir you misunderstand my intentions…my name is Edward Wise…and I am a servant of God…wretched bastards like you who have nothing much to live or die for mean nothing to me…and I will slit your throat in an instant if you don’t tell me what I ask of you…”
The gentleman’s declaration had a profound effect on the Doctor and he seemed a bit startled at first…and then he let out an exhausted sigh.

“for a man dressed like a pauper…you are quite an asshole sir…but what the hell…I am tired enough of this bullshit anyway…my conscience weighs heavy on me as this has been a burden I have carried around for many many years…first of all…congratulations on not ageing one bit in over fifty years…I suppose you are immortal as well?? I on the other hand can barely take a piss…my prostrate has been abusing my patience for the better part of the past fifteen years…be that as it may…I know that you speak the truth…but I can’t be sure if I do the same. There is much that I can’t understand myself…however I will try to explain as best I can…” Doctor Fall talked fast as though he couldn’t wait to get this off his chest, “it began when I was just a boy…that would be near fifty years ago…like I said…I remember you quite clearly though you look slightly different…not any older…just more…damaged…everything before that is quite hazy…I remember you throwing rocks at some building or other…and that they took you away to the loony bin. See the thing is…I was a waiter in this restaurant and used to bring “take-away” orders to an old man…this old man…spoke to me once…and after that…I do not understand anything at all…it is as though there is something…someone other than myself inside my head…I feel…as though I am…not responsible for my actions…you might think that that is quite the pussy’s approach towards stuff…but there you have it…all I remember is his last speech and nothing more…honestly I have nothing to hide…everyone is dead…what does it matter anymore??”

“And what did this old man say to you?” asked Edward.

“oh I remember quite clearly…though I had forgotten it for a very long time…it came back to me in a dream…the exact speech he made to me…I will repeat it for you…as it were…you see the first time I heard it…it was like hearing a foreign language being spoken to me…I could not identify a word of it and yet I understood all of it…but when I relived the incident in my dream…I was able to make more sense of it…and less sense at the same time…”

The Doctor repeated for the gentleman the speech that he remembered.

“If…and mostly…Love uses calls I freely enrage ruefully…advocating no device…your own ulcers…wither in lands lost…or betray eyes yet…my east…. around neither death…instead nesting…mere yearning…grief unsteadily I dance and nameless crones evoke…yesterday or upon…watering illness lost lust…hearts are verily evil…forever and I task her…for I am your father’s bane and the misery of your ancestors. I am the pain that you feel when you know you are alone and friendless…I am the sorrow that you endure when you think all is lost…” said the doctor and then sat silent staring at Edward.

“What does all this mean??” asked Edward.

“Well sir…I pondered upon the matter for quite a while…and came upon a startling conclusion…the part until “for I am your father’s bane” is a code…you see…if you take the first letter of each word…before that part…you find that there is a message within this message…”

“The first letter of each word?? Could you write this down for me…I would like to see this.” said Edward.

“Sure…I guess…” answered the Doctor and wrote the speech down on a bit of paper and handed it to Edward…who proceeded with isolating the first letter of each word until he had before him a sentence which he read out aloud.

“I am Lucifer and you will obey me and in my guidance you will have faith…” and then he added the rest of the bit, “for I am your father’s bane and the misery of your ancestors. I am the pain that you feel when you know you are alone and friendless…I am the sorrow that you endure when you think all is lost…hmmmm…this is quite…well…lame to an extent but extraordinary all the same…Lucifer?? Are you trying to tell me that you were somehow seduced by satan to do his bidding???” asked Edward.

“So it would seem sir…surely you don’t think that an old doctor alone could possibly manage to take the lives of so many people…I have…had help…from down south…so to speak.”


Edward Wise left Doctor Fall’s office…wondering what to do…how does one get back at satan…it seemed to him that his stay here was going to be very long indeed…

“It is easy enough to seek the son of a bitch out I suppose…but what do I do then?” thought Edward Wise sitting beside a grave…
sometimes people ask questions from loved ones…even after they’re dead…and not all of them answer back…it is safe to assume…(and slightly hurtful, at least in the case of Edward Wise)…that they are fornicating on the other side of a mountain.