psy------

why i didn't let my mother sit with me whilst i talked to the psychiatrist is the topic under discussion in my house right now...(there's always something silly to discuss) what is wrong with him?? what don't we know?? my father did not accompany me (naturally)...he doesn't do that sort of thing...which is one of the few things i like about the guy...but then he has to fart around complaining about how my mother should've insisted upon getting to sit in the room with me and the other idiot and learn what it was that i said to the psychiatrist because "we are his parents and have a right to know..." screaming is lovely...but only in war movies.

i will not go again...because i was too easy...because i knew i'd only go once...so i was really easy...he got to me...in fact...now that i think about it...sanely...haha...the guy got to me...he used a simple but effective technique...very weldone...up yours...you will not see me again...i lose.
so how did he get to me? quite simply he did the exact same thing that he should've done to get me angry...he patronised me...and i...like the fool that i am...got angry. i told him that this was obviously "useless and i don't think you can help me man..."
"was it a word i used? you don't trust me? did i say something wrong? you don't trust me?"
and i smiled...wide...i had been duped...suck my nuts. but since afterall...this was going to be the last...i keep repeating that to myself...the last time i'd be going there...i told him...skimming gently over the surface of drugs and Alevels...more drugs...a bit more than most know about...a bit more...you know? you are messed up and a liar. everyone knows about it. but not everyone...so that's okay then...yeah right.
the shrink had asked me what the matter was...so i asked my mother to leave...and she left...and i stared suspiciously at the door...realising that i must seem psychotic or paranoid...but it had to be done...my mother can get inquisitive...ok i was paranoid...very...i became...a typical...patient...how...mediocre...man i could've had so much fun with this guy...IF we weren't paying 800 per visit...i was not coming back again...i had decided that before i had decided to go.

so eventually after bits of raining crap and annoyance we get to the good stuff...

"what does doing (woh wala drug) feel like?"
"ahista bolo yaar...maeri maa durwazay ke bahir kharri ho gi..."
"er...(whisper) what does doing woh wala drug feel like?"
"it feels......pretty good actually...you feel alone...but just as alone as you should."

i feel violated...this is rape...i should lean forwards and bite his face off.

"but what about (woh wala) what was it? how many times did you do that?"
"ahis0ta bolo yaaaaaaaaaar...bhai yaaaaaaaaaaar...bhai yaaar..."

i'm obviously more messed up then i thought i was...

"i don't think sounds can go out...it's ok..."
"that's what you think...kher...6 times."
"exactly...what is this...could you give me the spellings...?"
"right...en you tee em ee gee...it's a spice." i smiled here...nobody knows about it...i shouldn't have said it...this was a nice little secret...are you crazy...the whole planet knows about it...except this loser...i feel violated...

censor this bullshit...for the love of jesus and the seven dwarfs...

what is wrong with him? what did he tell him that he did not tell us?

"have you ever taken drugs??" i really wanted to know so i asked him...it was a childish question...what i should've asked him was...so are you what normal people are like? but i had one visit...no time for play.
"i...have smoked cigarettes..."
"hahahaa...dude you know nothing."
"i've seen...a lot of drugees..."
"hahahaha bhai yaar...i saw a lot of drugees...i saw drugees for three years before i ever indulged...there is no comparison...you obviously have no idea."
"didn't you prefer it that way? when you didn't actually take them and instead just observed...?"

(kabaddi kabaddi kabaddi)

"there is no difference...it's exactly the same..."
"i see...so being addicted doesn't change anything?"
"they're not addictive..."
"you're only saying that because of the drugs..."
"you don't know...you do (falana wala drug) and you feel the urge the next day...but the day after next it's gone...you don't even remember...i haven't taken (yrhuythwth) for a long time"
"then what did (falana wala drug) do?"
"nothing...escape for five minutes...nothing else..."

excuse me...are you spacing out? do you suddenly feel the need to laugh?? how odd...you must be a mutant.

"what do you want me to tell your mother??"
"are you crazy?? you don't tell her anything...you're a psychiatrist aren't you?"
"haha...no i meant...this will remain private but what do you want me to tell your mother...she'll want to know if her son is ok..."
"i don't care...whatever you want..."

there was a lot of kabaddi...but i was not difficult...i insulted him once or twice...got angry once or twice...laughed...made a joke...said "i don't know" many times...many many times...kabaddi kabaddi kabaddi...it was amusing...

"does anybody at home understand you or your problems?"
"yeah...the doctor...we have a good time comparing symptoms of insanity..."
"does anybody know that you've done drugs?"
"no...my cousin does...friend..."
"how's the doctor?"
"fine...i don't intend to come here again...so make this worth my time..."
"hhaha...it's up to you...i can't force you to...but doctor patient relation ships...are important and we can't build one with just one session..."

voodoo mumbo jumbo crap...suck my nuts...eat my piss...

"you have to trust me...you know...do you trust anybody?"
"hahaha..."
"i've had experience with a lot of people who use ecstacy and hash...etc..."
"ahan."

my mother had told him that i took xanax...hahahahaha

"i'll suggest a medicine..."
"what medicine? i took that zoloft you suggested to the doctor...it's complete shit...enjoyable for three hours...and then i spent three days in a lot of pain..."
"you experimented with medicine i prescribed..."
"maybe...what medicine are you suggesting?" (how lame...this is not kabaddi...this is sodomy...)
"wizen...it's NOT an anti depressant..."
"then what is it??"

blah blooh...crap bullshit...nuisance boredom...how do you sleep...i sleep fine...how do you sleep...i sleep like shit...emotional problems? i think i'll just smile and humour the vague nature of the question...mujhe kya pata...do you have friends? yes. do you meet them. no. why not? i don't have time. what time in the morning do you wake up? i don't usually fall asleep till morning...
what're you doing? skans. skans? accountancy. do you go to school. yeah. do you want to? i wanted to be a doctor. why aren't you a doctor? mujhe kya pata...mcat...blah blooh sixth form bullshit Alevels...gonads...shit...vomit...hate.

basically...everything was punctuated with nonsense and tender voidedness ahahaha...some things i can't recall...somethings i can't be sure of...it's hazy now...this is hazy...i am hazy at the moment...ten days till final exams...tense up bitch.

Risperidone (Belivon®, Rispen®, Risperdal® in the United States) is an atypical antipsychotic medication. It is most often used to treat delusional psychosis (including schizophrenia), but risperidone (like other atypical antipsychotics) is also used to treat some forms of bipolar disorder and psychotic depression.
Generally lower doses are used for autistic spectrum disorders than are used for schizophrenia and other forms of psychosis; risperidone has received a not approved letter from the FDA for use in Autism. [1]
Risperidone is now the most commonly prescribed antipsychotic medication in the United States

this is wizen...risperidone...risperidone...

"you probably won't take this medicine...because of the side effects...but...it's up to you...if you want to be like you used to...you have to take this..."
"i probably won't."

i will not take this drug...this drug is shit...the side effects are shit...
the doctor told me not to see the side effects...it's never a good idea to look into your medicine...because when you know what kind of poison they're going to give you...you decide...being a wraith is perfect.

i don't remember a lot...these bastards have to stop shouting though...

"i really enjoyed meeting you umer...you're a nice boy...i have enjoyed meeting you."

i must be one of those typical loons who bring back fond memories of text books and basic psychology classes...

martin pale...will not inhale.