friends

can't find houses of the holy...it's somewhere on this damn computer but i can't find it...damn it. gay people are trying to get me to screw them...it's gross. there are more gay people in pakistan than you could've possibly imagined...and quite a few of them have joined orkut.
so far away, so far away...
have started a course of goddamned zoloft...properly...the doctor says that if i'm not going to take my anti-crazy pills then i might as well take zoloft...i only took half a pill of the damn thing and felt like there was a large marsh plant growing in my chest...thorns in my throat...always rumours of puke but no puke...hahaha...syriana...i watched syriana...it's a very nice movie. i went to lums a few days ago to meet my friend buttar...he met me at the gate...once inside and out of sight of the guards...he said, "oye...tunay drugs lenay shuru ker diyyay hain?"
all i got to say was "OH SHIT!!!" before he had my head in a headlock...squeezing it so hard that i was sure it would come off...then he beat me up...punched me up, threw me down on the road...my hand was bleeding by the end of this very long beating-upping...he asked me why...?
i didn't have a good reason...i had loads of excuses though...he seemed disappointed...i think he was the only guy i was actually worried might find out...and all this is muller's fault...unwitting squealer.
buttar sat me down in his room in the hostel...we watched hotel ruwanda...then we watched pi...then we watched syriana...then he made me listen to all these holy recitations and stuff...i used to be the boy who had never smoked...never tested, tried, experimented...anything...and now buttar's the boy...and i'm...kind of pathetic...and on zoloft...which makes you feel like shit...my head is too heavy and my jaw is shut too tight...i gave two to chumpango...he never got the pleasant effects...direct jump into the crap-ass side effects...too bad...
zoloft doesn't let you eat anything...at least not me.
buttar has been beating me up for the last 8 years...on and off...there was a long gap after prep school...
i'm not good at anything i like to do. how originally miserable is that?
once i had a dream in which i asked God why he didn't give me everything...so He says that He gave me everything except the knowledge that He gave me everything...
that sort of thing kind of puts you to shame...i used to be very religious...and even though i'm a contender for the eternal flame now...i can still get God to talk to me sometimes...
here have another pill.
voluntarily lonely people should be shot.
buttar asked me to stop it...i said i would...i stayed in lums for two days...
molly and i were sitting in the parking lot and some girl comes up and says, "you're supposed to be dead." normally this is not a very strange thing...but from a complete stranger...in anycase i was too mutant to really figure who it was and what the hell??? well...now that i'm all sober again...ahem, "you're supposed to be the fairer sex."
either way molly said a load of stuff to her that i couldn't understand at all...i was in that state of mind where you mistake white trees for peacocks. the girl was kind of dark...with a...ok this might not have been real...but she seemed to have a rather large jaw...i'm sorry girly...if i'm not describing you accurately...i was slightly altered at the time. there was another girl with her whom i remember only as something round and white with a smile...seriously that's all i remember...could've been a pudding or the moon.
that's buttar in the picture...i took that picture with a paper clip in my mouth...in the lums office...(three lexotinal...complete droolage.)

pudding and the moon
by the river sang a tune
pull down that foggy veil
uncover it for martin pale.

battle of evermore...is that a girl singing with him?